I read an article of Steve Pavlina, you can read about it here , and he gave me an insightful view of where I was standing, who I were and who I wanted to be.
I made three columns. One for values that I hate, but I strive for. One for things that I do, that is okay. One for values that I desire to integrate in myself.
This is what I came up with.
(Please read Steve Pavlinas blog before you continue to read)
WANTS AND DESIRES: THIS IS WHAT I REALLY TRULY DESIRE, BUT DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
I'm afraid of Thranscendance, but I am wanting it so badly.
I want to be a reliable and a brilliant person who makes people feel relief. I want to be present and professional.
I desire warmheartedness and warmth. I want wit and grace.
My highest desires are to be acknowledged for something that is accessible with something that will make people feel relief. I want them to feel pleasure.
I need structure and support in my life. I love to have sophisitication and at the same time be both sound and to have useful people around med. I love variety and want to live with variety.
My basics need are organisation and rest. I want to feel ease and liberty. I need loyalty and mystery.
I want to be honored and feel honor for others.
I want to be graceful and elegant.
I want enthusistic people like me and I want to have credibility, which is a big desire. I want the freedom, to invent and to feel euphoria and I desire to be fearless.
THIS IS NOT ME, but I THINK THIS SHOULD BE ME:
I am instead trying hard to be something else, that I am actually hating.
I am trying to show courtesy, decisiveness and discipline, because this is what others want me to be. I try to be content and in control, which I am not. I am trying to dominate and be effective and be an expert, but I hate it, no one shows appreciation.
I am flexible and committed to my responsibilities, which I hate.
I try to be friendly and helpful, but I hate it. I try to humiliate myself and show hospitality which I hate. I hate that I have to find motivation everyday to do these things I hate. I try to obey, but hate it. I try to be a good partner, but hate it. I try to be patient and peaceful, but hate it.
I hate being famous and reputated. I hate pleasure and trying to belong. I hate to care and to be charmful. I hate to try to be cheerful and perfect. I hate Punctuality and richness. I hate being sensible and sexy. I hate simplicity and spontaneity. I hate stillness and strenght (stiff). I hate surprises and teaching people. I hate understanding people and wealth. I hate winning and victory. I hate tranquility.
THIS IS WHO I AM TODAY AND WHAT I STRIVE FOR EVERYDAY AS WELL:
Advancement, affluence, approvement, but they are leading nowhere. I try to be assertive and attractive and beauty. I am bold and certain and strive for challenge. I give charity and show chasisty. I am clean and clever. I feel comfort and tidiness. I strive for purify and realism and these things are normal and easy and quite boring for me.
I and thankful and show teamwork. I am sincere and spiritual. I relax and reflect. Which is quite uninteresting and boring - it is normal and boring.
I am compassionate and competent. I am concentrated and strive for consercation.
I am daring and dreaming. I give and grow. I am guided and show other guidance.
I strive for health and influency. I have it all.
I have marriage and family and responsibility.
I express myself and explore life.
I have faith and show fidelity.
I am focused and fun. I have ethics and encourage other people.
I have a good economy and dignity.
I show insightfulness and inspiration.
I show integrity and intellect.
I show intuition and justice.
I have knowledge and am always learning.
I am making a difference I believe.
I show leadership but don't want it when I don't have loyalty and love.
I am open-minded and perceptive. I am playful. I am instense (people hate it).
I show intimacy and introspection. I am alive and logic. I don't conform (which my husband hates).
So, this is me.
Please give me your advice, how to proceed...